An Ode To Jumpoffs

Imagine….a little boy watching cartoons in the living room; his mother in the kitchen baking a cake. When the cake is ready for oven insertion and the little boy has been behaving himself, he may be fortunate enough for his mother to call him into the kitchen and…

Yup, you guessed it. Lick the spoon.

Well my Negro friends, this proverbial licking of the spoon, is exactly what a jump-off is. What am I talking about? Follow me and I’ll explain further…

Now let’s say that
1) jump-off = licking the spoon
2) wifey = the cake

***most women lose me right about….NOW***

If the little boy sits in the living room watching cartoons and smelling cake for hours on end, when he finally sits down at the table for cake, he’s gonna be hungry as sh*t and probably overindulge because his tastebuds have been festering by smelling cake and not eating for a long time (read: drought).

However, if he gets to lick the spoon in the interim, then he will get to appease his tastebuds just enough to not be overwhelmed by hunger, but still enjoy the cake when he sits down to eat. Thus, not overindulging in the goodeness of said cake and exercising patience…

Let’s be honest. EVERY kid loves to lick the spoon. Unless you’re diabetic, or allergic to cake, then you like it…don’t lie to yourself.

So, what does a jump-off do? A jump off helps you approach relationships with a clear mind. For us guys, we can now go out to clubs, go on dates, etc, without sex as the foundation of your motives.

You ever notice how girls always want a guy when he has a girlfriend? Well, the reason is that women can sense when you’re not trying to offer them d*ck. Since every guy they have met since they were 13 has been doing this, (c) Chris Rock, they are confused and perplexed when a guy does the opposite.

Having a jump-off will give you this effect, guilt-free. So, to the jump-offs of the world, I want to say thank you. I understand the persecution you endure and wanted to let you know that your hard work and intermittent emotional discomfort is truly appreciated. 'Round these parts, the prestigious members of DaLakeSquad salute you!

If you find yourself in the jump-off zone, do not fret. Simply understand that you are a role player on the team, and that although you may not get all the attention, the championship ring cannot be won without your input. You are Robert Horry, Steve Kerr, Bruce Bowen, David Tyree, an Offensive Lineman….and we love you very much from the depths of our loins.

Ladies, embrace the possibility that ‘the guy you’re really feeling’ has a jump-off. You benefit from this. His jump-off will keep him from thinking with the wrong head around you. This will get him to actually court you instead of finding creative ways to get his meat in your taco. You should buy her a drink.