Tuesday, February 24, 2009

New York, NY

I J Mikey would like to go on record and say that I am a New Yorker. I was born here, raised here although I have spent some time outside the city(philly for college and LA because I could)but I just want to say how much I love my city. I say this not because I am egotistical guy or because I hate other places but because I love to take the train and I get a lot of things done on the train. One of the thing I like to do on the train is write and read blogs on my blackberry which brings me to my point.

This is a public service annoncement to all bloggers, stop writting long ass posts and blogs that make me download extra content to finish reading your ish. I want to read your whole piece, not just what comes up on my blackberry.

Hopfully this piece of mine doesn't break my own rule.

J Mikey
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Monday, February 23, 2009

Hear no evil, see no evil, print no evil...

By now I am sure that many of you have heard about or seen the controversial cartoon from the New York Post; the one with the chimp, and the cops, and talk about the stimulus package. Upon seeing the cartoon I was shocked and confused. The cartoon had (at least to me) extremely racist imagery.

1. Cops with guns drawn (drawn as in pulled out and at the ready not as in cartoon drawn (duh))
2. A dead chimp shot several times bleeding on the ground
3. The words "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill"
4. All directly across from a picture of President Obama signing the new piece of legislation.

Col Allan, editor-in-chief of the Post stated, "The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event, to wit the shooting of a violent chimpanzee in Connecticut. It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy."

I’m sorry Mr. Allen, but when you use the word clear to describe something, that usually means that there is no debate or confusion about what we’re all seeing. Now I don't know about you, but the whole thing seemed pretty racist to me. This was approved by an editor, seen by multiple individuals, and no one thought to say “Hey, this might not go over so well...” Interesting.

As someone born and raised in New York, there are entirely too many cases of police brutality against Blacks to not find this alarming; Abner Louima, Amadou Diallo, and Sean Bell are only a few examples of police violence against Blacks. Add that to the all too common association of Blacks with chimps, monkeys, etc. I find it a little hard to believe that the cartoonist and the editors at the New York Post were that clueless.

But hey, maybe the author thought that the pet chimpanzee going crazy and ripping off its owner’s face was funny and that everyone would get the joke. Or maybe the people who worked at the Post saw it didn't care… Well actually, the latter isn't too hard to believe considering the New York Post is owned by Rupert Murdoch. Yes, the same guy who controls Fox News. You do the math.

The thing about racist acts is that individuals can see them differently. While some people were outraged, some simply shrugged their shoulders and said “what's the big deal.” While some people immediately got on their phones and called the paper, others simply turned to the next page. How do you define something as racist, if the people who “should” be offended don't all agree that anything happened at all?

I thought the New York Post knew better, and the cartoon was offensive. Is it just me?

She Can Do It To Right??? WRONG!!!!

The venerable Rick Fox had this to say at the conclusion of a previous post:

My question is, how come women don’t do the same?Both men and women browse Facebook. Both sexes see people they find attractive. Both read profile (comparatively speaking) and see something they like or have in common (i.e. location, school, major, career, Greek org., hobby, TV show, etc.). Yet a man will take the first step, while a woman keeps it moving (as indicated by the disparity between the sexes in Facebook contact). Why is this so?

I have my reasons, but I’d love to hear yours…

So without further ado...

Astute observation Mr. Fox. Before I begin my answer, I want to note a couple of things. First, my comments do not apply to all women. If you are a woman that breaks the mold, transcends the status quo, and otherwise does the damn thang, these comments obviously do not apply, and more power to you. Additionally, I have to admit that I have yet to embrace internet based relationships on any level. I poke females on facebook as a reaction to being poked (no homo). I (almost) never initiate it. I never go on facebook looking for females because:
1) I prefer communications to be face to face, at least early on (because I need the nonverbal cues).
2) It is hard enough to manage plans for closing the deal with good looking females I already actually know in real life.
3) I just don’t have time to open and conduct any serious internet negotiations.

That said, I think the most basic answer lies in the fact that guys are just allowed to care about and pursue sexual contact more than women. In the social jungle, men are allowed to initiate contact with intent to distribute dick with multiple females without being reprimanded or otherwise made to feel any remorse. I know you have witnessed cats shamelessly hollering at countless chicks in the same club first hand. Sad as it is, a congruent argument cannot be made on behalf of women because of the myopia still associated with gender roles in interpersonal, especially sexual, relationships. While few women explicitly subscribe to the double standard, they carry themselves in a way that is mindful of its prevalence. Thus any actions that could be misconstrued as aggressive (approaching guys, openly hollering at / dealing with multiple guys at the same time, being overtly sexual) on behalf of a female are likely minimized or done very discreetly because they risk appearing unladylike by society’s standards.

Progressive guys like ourselves think “Hey, I love and respect women. I look good. I’m hitting the gym. I am ambitious, focused, and taking care of business in my personal and professional affairs. Shit. I am a catch. So why am I always the one that has to initiate contact with the opposite sex?" Given the increasingly aggressive and impressive woman with her own goals, aspirations, and ideas about changing the world for the better, it would seem to make sense that she exercise similar agency in her dealings with the opposite sex. Right??? Plus, I’ll be the first to admit that I like to feel desired. I like to feel wanted. I like to feel sexy. I would love to be hollered at. I don’t want to have to initiate things ALL THE TIME. But reality is, the way our society is structured, despite all the progress women have made, they still feel pressure to be “women".

Women are wooed, they do not woo.

Women are lusted after, they do not lust.

Women are pursued, they do not pursue.

Women are wined and dined, they do not pay.

These are the unwritten rules of the game, and while I hardly subscribe to them in my own affairs, I know that they exist.

So while it may sound nice and even logical for women to initiate contact, don’t expect any significant manifestation of their newfound self-determination any time soon.

P.S. This is very much just my personal opinion, but for women to forfeit power in intimate relationships, especially in the arena of sex, is to give away the one undeniable thing (other than child-bearing which isn’t so much a power as it is a biological imperative), that women truly control in this male dominated society. Just a thought.

What do you out there think???

Friday, February 20, 2009


Over the years, we’ve all been asked the infamous question, “do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?” If you are like me and answer “hell no, I’m single as a dollar bill” or “Girlfriend? I’m allergic to those *hachoo!*” then it usually leads to a perplexed look and the follow-up question: “Mr. Westside, in all of your wonderousness, fantasticality, and sovereign rulership of the universe, how could you possibly not have girlfriend?”

For me, the answer is simple: Women are crazy.

Yeah I said it! And I meant it. Ok, ok, ok…I’m just serious…

Me personally, I have many reasons as to why I’m still single. The least of them being, I highly doubt I could be entirely faithful to one woman right now so why bother with trying to be faithful only to either end up embarking on a grandiose conquest of the aesthetic, callipygian vixens of the world, or simply wishing I was. I’ll save her the heartbreak and onslaught of insecurity that follows. Ladies, you're welcome and shyt.

Important women in my past have told me they feel that they “won’t be enough for me” and for years I tried to ease their discomfort by retorting with reasons opposing this, but I think they might have been on to something.

Sometimes I just want the option of going out of town on business and smashing the random cute chick I met at the hotel bar. This is definitely not an option when you have a girlfriend. However, it is quite fun and I highly recommend it…if you have the option of course.

Think about it, whenever you travel somewhere your best stories are always the ones that involve some type of conquest of the opposite sex. I’m not ready to part with that aspect of my life just yet. Besides that, I have yet to go to Miami and/or Brazil. And according to rule #1906 of Cornell Westside’s Code of Conduct for Consistent Coitus, I must visit these establishments prior to taking any young lady seriously.

As hard as it is for women to believe, dealing with other chicks actually makes like our main chick even more. It’s human nature to compare things; we do it in all aspects of life.

“The entrĂ©e ain’t as good without something on the side.” – Fabolous on Can’t Let You Go

I’ll give you an analogous experience from my life.

I travel a lot with my job and have to drive rental cars often. Now even though my car is 2004 and the rentals are 08s and 09s, I still love coming home and driving my car and prefer it over the new models. I think my car is better and there’s no logical argument that will sway me otherwise. However, when I come home from a business trip, I haven’t broken any rule of exclusivity by driving another car. In fact, I began to love my car even more after I had something to compare it to. Now I look forward traveling just so I can enjoy the moment of returning to my car.

“Keep It Simple Stupid” - Unknown

In my simplemindedness approach to life, I find a methodology that works and apply it to every aspect of life. Thus, the same logic I use to make a big purchase i.e. car, house, etc. is the same logic I use in finding a woman to be in a relationship with. So, to continue with the car analogy…

If you study what people with lots of money do, you can see the basal nature of humans. Most of us are constrained by money so we can’t do or say what we really want because we don’t have enough money to get away with it. Notice that people with money usually have more than one car (and heavily indulge in drugs…later for that though). They have different cars for different occasions.

“The relationship you have with your car isn’t so different from your other relationships.” – Kate Walsh, Cadillac CTS Commercial

It’s something you see and rely on everyday; you spend a good chunk of your income on it. Ultimately it is a representation of who you are. Doesn’t your “real” relationship have similar attributes?

Thus, my simplemindedness being at the root of this, if I can afford to have more than one car, why can’t I have more than one woman if I can afford it? In the Old Testament many of the Kings had multiple wives. God (and society) was cool with it, why can’t you?

And yes, I know someone needs to pray for me, so please go right ahead. You can start now…don’t worry, I’ll wait.

The logical flaw in all this is that most women want to be your favorite AND your only. This is impossible. Favorite implies choice, only doesn’t. See the problem?

So even though I am probably ready to find one woman and be satisfied with coitus and companionship from her for eternity, I just don’t like the way it sounds and am not ready to sequester my option to emulate Wilt Chamberlain. Maybe I’m the crazy one…actually it’s not a maybe.

I haven’t even touched upon the fact that in America “No One Respects the Ring” – Coach Phil, but I’ll save that one for another day and another time.

For now, tell me if you’re for or against monogamous relationships, why or why not?

An Ode To Jumpoffs

Imagine….a little boy watching cartoons in the living room; his mother in the kitchen baking a cake. When the cake is ready for oven insertion and the little boy has been behaving himself, he may be fortunate enough for his mother to call him into the kitchen and…

Yup, you guessed it. Lick the spoon.

Well my Negro friends, this proverbial licking of the spoon, is exactly what a jump-off is. What am I talking about? Follow me and I’ll explain further…

Now let’s say that
1) jump-off = licking the spoon
2) wifey = the cake

***most women lose me right about….NOW***

If the little boy sits in the living room watching cartoons and smelling cake for hours on end, when he finally sits down at the table for cake, he’s gonna be hungry as sh*t and probably overindulge because his tastebuds have been festering by smelling cake and not eating for a long time (read: drought).

However, if he gets to lick the spoon in the interim, then he will get to appease his tastebuds just enough to not be overwhelmed by hunger, but still enjoy the cake when he sits down to eat. Thus, not overindulging in the goodeness of said cake and exercising patience…

Let’s be honest. EVERY kid loves to lick the spoon. Unless you’re diabetic, or allergic to cake, then you like it…don’t lie to yourself.

So, what does a jump-off do? A jump off helps you approach relationships with a clear mind. For us guys, we can now go out to clubs, go on dates, etc, without sex as the foundation of your motives.

You ever notice how girls always want a guy when he has a girlfriend? Well, the reason is that women can sense when you’re not trying to offer them d*ck. Since every guy they have met since they were 13 has been doing this, (c) Chris Rock, they are confused and perplexed when a guy does the opposite.

Having a jump-off will give you this effect, guilt-free. So, to the jump-offs of the world, I want to say thank you. I understand the persecution you endure and wanted to let you know that your hard work and intermittent emotional discomfort is truly appreciated. 'Round these parts, the prestigious members of DaLakeSquad salute you!

If you find yourself in the jump-off zone, do not fret. Simply understand that you are a role player on the team, and that although you may not get all the attention, the championship ring cannot be won without your input. You are Robert Horry, Steve Kerr, Bruce Bowen, David Tyree, an Offensive Lineman….and we love you very much from the depths of our loins.

Ladies, embrace the possibility that ‘the guy you’re really feeling’ has a jump-off. You benefit from this. His jump-off will keep him from thinking with the wrong head around you. This will get him to actually court you instead of finding creative ways to get his meat in your taco. You should buy her a drink.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

My First Blog

This is my first post entry or blog or whatever you want to call it, and I don't know what to write. I can take the time out to thank Coach Phil for finally putting this thing together for us. I can big him up for taking the most grown man step any of us have taken to date (shout out to Mini Marj lol).

Or I can sit here and big Shaq up for making the big move out to Mexico and doing what he's always wanted to do (not work for the man lol), injecting alittle more focus in us or at least me anyway.

I can write about KG (or Cornell Westside if you will) and how he is an experienced "blogger" who has this jotting random thoughts thing down to a science and who's ability to think outside the box has rubbed off on me 10 fold and helped me out more then I know.

I can write about all the people I know who will be reading this blog or myself even, but I think I've already said to much.

I'll holla later

J Mikey b.k.a. Kobe
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Lots of discourse on trifling men and women has gone back and forth lately. We know the offenders and the offended. We have all heard the stories straight from the mouths of our own loved ones, close friends and associates.

For females it sounds like:
“I only talk to him when I want a free meal."
“Shit if he is gonna buy me things, I ain’t gonna stop him."
“I have no intention of having sex with him, but I’ll keep letting him do things for me. I still need my bookcase put together."
“If a guy is dumb enough to do it, then why shouldn’t I take advantage of it?"

For guys it is usually along the lines of:
“I only hit her up when I am trying to beat."
“Dating? What. The fuck. Is dating?"
“She is my closer / jumpoff / goer / runner / sure thing / etc. and so on."
“I’ll hit, but wifing her is out of the question."
“If I don’t beat after the first 2 or 3 dates... jam done. I’m moving on to the next chick."

It is easy for all of us to point out the negative tendencies of the opposite sex, but we seldom offer action items for constructive and meaningful change. Thinking critically about this situation I realized that there is a very simple central theme, people are only trifling because the opposite sex allows them to be.

Men complain about hungry, thirsty, gold-digging, opportunist bitches.

Women complain about cheap, trifling, shallow, commitment-phobic niggas.

The problem my friends is enablers.

Not everyone that engages in the above is an enabler however, so I think some distinction is necessary. Some guys sincerely like to ball out in the club, pop bottles, and spend money on random females. Gives them a rush, and makes them feel good. Some ladies genuinely like to be catered to and have the attention of guys like that showered on them. Again, makes them feel good. If you know who you are and what you like there is no problem with you doing you. If you are being played and don’t even know it, then you are an enabler. The pejorative manifestations of enablers are what I have a problem with, and they can usually be described as “bitch niggas" in the male form and “bullshitters" in the female form. The bitch nigga makes the bullshitter possible and vice versa.

These groups affect otherwise progressive and intelligent people, because we have to be wary of their existence and act accordingly.

But it doesn’t have to be this way people!

We can minimize the existence of both of these groups.
We can eliminate the selfish unintentional consequences of their unclear intentions.
We can carry ourselves as the caring adults that we really are.
There is an answer.

The solution is relatively simple, and I think it is two fold:

1) Realize your personal worth. Men and women both need to value themselves more. Both parties need to realize that there are entirely too many people in the world that sincerely value them as a people and individuals to ever waste time or settle for someone that does not.

2) Honesty is the best policy. Be honest about your goals and intentions at the earliest possible juncture, and drama and animosity are not even viable options.

Again, since this note is focused on action items, I have compiled a list of suggestions for putting the 2 simple solutions to use for everyone first, then I get a little more specific for males and females individually.

1) If you know you are attractive, intelligent, and rare act like it.
2) Get what you want out of whatever situation you are in, and when that is not possible be honest and move on.
3) If you know someone is not on your level, acknowledge it and act accordingly.

1) Treat the pussy like its worth something. That doesn’t mean be haughty, but some selectivity would be nice. Too many whack dudes that are not on the collective level of our black women, are managing to garner pussy at an alarming rate. Stop giving it away to niggas that don’t treat you right. If he is more trouble than it is worth then cut dude off. Stop letting uneducated cornballs beat. Wrap up the drama filled situations. Women can’t complain about men until they start getting better taste in them.
2) Stop giving guys hope that should have none, and directly related,
3) Stop letting dudes take you out that you have no intention of doing anything with. If you insist on doing it anyway, at least be honest and let him know that he is not a priority, and that he is only Mr. Fix-It, Mr. Buy-It, or what have you, and he has no shot at playing for the championship. Ladies, you know after the first salient conversation, if not earlier, whether you are going to let him get anywhere. If you know that this guy couldn’t get any even if he had the last drops of semen on earth, and the existence of humankind depended on intercourse between the two of you, then tell him the truth and let him make decisions from there. If he insists on playing himself by being ridiculously persistent with no hope of success (although persistence pays from time to time) then that is on him.

1) Stop copping drinks for, building things for, or otherwise compromising yourself for chicks that are not that fly to begin with. You give them a big head and they get all out of pocket. There are few things in this world more annoying than a mediocre chick that thinks she is the greatest thing this side of grape Kool-aid (yes grape is the best!). I find myself having to check this type of chick all too often… Side note: Ladies, confidence is ok. Even a tinge of arrogance is ok if you got your shit together intellectually and emotionally, but still, take an honest inventory of what you have to offer before you hit the streets.
2) Stop gassing chicks because their titties are popping out of their turtleneck. Act like you have seen breasts before. Act like you have seen a particularly rotund backside before. Sex is great, but the physical attributes don’t last kid.
3) Stop being a simp and letting chicks run the game just because they have a vagina. Respect yourself and your ability to get it down with a chick worthy of your time. Any guy worth his weight knows at least one drama free chick that they can kick it with and do all the things necessary to keep him happy. Food, fun and fucking are nice diversions from the mundane bullshit of everyday life. If you don’t have at least one down chick to ride for you, you are fucking up dude, and your desperation is evident to any and all females that you interact with.

As always, I’d love to hear your comments. What do you think?