The venerable Rick Fox had this to say at the conclusion of a previous post:
My question is, how come women don’t do the same?Both men and women browse Facebook. Both sexes see people they find attractive. Both read profile (comparatively speaking) and see something they like or have in common (i.e. location, school, major, career, Greek org., hobby, TV show, etc.). Yet a man will take the first step, while a woman keeps it moving (as indicated by the disparity between the sexes in Facebook contact). Why is this so?
I have my reasons, but I’d love to hear yours…
So without further ado...
Astute observation Mr. Fox. Before I begin my answer, I want to note a couple of things. First, my comments do not apply to all women. If you are a woman that breaks the mold, transcends the status quo, and otherwise does the damn thang, these comments obviously do not apply, and more power to you. Additionally, I have to admit that I have yet to embrace internet based relationships on any level. I poke females on facebook as a reaction to being poked (no homo). I (almost) never initiate it. I never go on facebook looking for females because:
1) I prefer communications to be face to face, at least early on (because I need the nonverbal cues).
2) It is hard enough to manage plans for closing the deal with good looking females I already actually know in real life.
3) I just don’t have time to open and conduct any serious internet negotiations.
That said, I think the most basic answer lies in the fact that guys are just allowed to care about and pursue sexual contact more than women. In the social jungle, men are allowed to initiate contact with intent to distribute dick with multiple females without being reprimanded or otherwise made to feel any remorse. I know you have witnessed cats shamelessly hollering at countless chicks in the same club first hand. Sad as it is, a congruent argument cannot be made on behalf of women because of the myopia still associated with gender roles in interpersonal, especially sexual, relationships. While few women explicitly subscribe to the double standard, they carry themselves in a way that is mindful of its prevalence. Thus any actions that could be misconstrued as aggressive (approaching guys, openly hollering at / dealing with multiple guys at the same time, being overtly sexual) on behalf of a female are likely minimized or done very discreetly because they risk appearing unladylike by society’s standards.
Progressive guys like ourselves think “Hey, I love and respect women. I look good. I’m hitting the gym. I am ambitious, focused, and taking care of business in my personal and professional affairs. Shit. I am a catch. So why am I always the one that has to initiate contact with the opposite sex?" Given the increasingly aggressive and impressive woman with her own goals, aspirations, and ideas about changing the world for the better, it would seem to make sense that she exercise similar agency in her dealings with the opposite sex. Right??? Plus, I’ll be the first to admit that I like to feel desired. I like to feel wanted. I like to feel sexy. I would love to be hollered at. I don’t want to have to initiate things ALL THE TIME. But reality is, the way our society is structured, despite all the progress women have made, they still feel pressure to be “women".
Women are wooed, they do not woo.
Women are lusted after, they do not lust.
Women are pursued, they do not pursue.
Women are wined and dined, they do not pay.
These are the unwritten rules of the game, and while I hardly subscribe to them in my own affairs, I know that they exist.
So while it may sound nice and even logical for women to initiate contact, don’t expect any significant manifestation of their newfound self-determination any time soon.
P.S. This is very much just my personal opinion, but for women to forfeit power in intimate relationships, especially in the arena of sex, is to give away the one undeniable thing (other than child-bearing which isn’t so much a power as it is a biological imperative), that women truly control in this male dominated society. Just a thought.
What do you out there think???